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Updated Mar 14, 2013 - 11:23 am

Out to lunch -- back in 48 minutes

Houston Rockets' Greg Smith dunks over Phoenix Suns' Jermaine O'Neal (20) during the second quarter of an NBA basketball game Wednesday, March 13, 2013, in Houston. (AP Photo/David J. Phillip)

If you open up an Oreo cookie, you will not find the Phoenix Suns. No way, no chance. This Band of Backups is most definitely not creamy white filling. There is virtually nothing in-between about Suns games.

111-81. 124-99. 117-77. 97-69. 127-96. 98-71. 111-81.

At first glance, those figures read like high/low temps for Phoenix in August.

We wish. Turns out, we did not consult the National Weather Service. Instead, those numbers come from Suns box scores. Yep. They happen to be final scores from this season, all XL lopsided losses by the Suns.

Hence, we pose a question: Why is it that when the Suns (rarely) win, they win. #Ding. But when the Suns lose - look out.

As in, look out below because the Suns scream "cannonball" and then smack the water from the roof of the garage, like an episode of Jackass.

The latest example had Johnny Knoxville and Planet Orange Cones in Houston. At least, the NBA schedule listed the Suns as allegedly taking on the Rockets. To date, we're still looking for tangible evidence that an actual game took place.

See, thing is, at the risk of getting all metaphysical here, did you really play a game if you didn't compete? #BuellerBueller

And we're not talking about expertise, where the Suns are challenged by a dearth of talent. We're citing effort, or the lack thereof. Did you even try? We know NBA salaries are guaranteed. And, based on this season, we now know something else: effort is not guaranteed. (By the way, forget maximum effort. We're realistic. We'd settle for respectable/acceptable effort.)

How else can you explain a game where you flipped on the TV to find the score was an eye-popping 100-64 midway thru the 4th quarter? In fact, we'd like to petition the NBA stat geeks to register a honkin' huge "DNP" across the Suns section of the final box score. #JackStomp

"Those that go along with the program will be here," Lindsey Hunter said on Wednesday night. "Those that won't...will eliminate themselves."

Nice to hear the coach deems it unacceptable. Thing is, it's happening on his watch. And, of course, Hunter has a business card that reads "interim" head coach.

Meaning, it's his team that's failing to consistently respond. (#HolyCannoliStat: 6 times under Lindsey Hunter, the Suns have committed 20 or more turnovers. Under Alvin Gentry, that happened twice this season.)

On Seinfeld, if memory serves, didn't Jackie Chiles offer up that "If you don't compete, thou shalt feel the heat," or something like that.

Therefore, who is eliminating whom exactly?

About the Author

School: California

When you started with Bonneville Phoenix: KTAR/KMVP = 1998

Favorite sports memory: Phoenix Open 1997 - Sitting under the ropes at the 16th green and watching Tiger Woods tee off with a 9-iron. 152 yards and two bounces later...the hole-in-one results in an unmatched moment of bedlam and pandemonium. I'm still suffering from partial hearing loss.

Favorite all-time athlete: Barry Sanders. How can a guy my size make the rest of the NFL look so helpless and hapless? No such thing as an open-field tackle of Barry Sanders, not unless it's a gang tackle.

Favorite sports movies: Rocky - "He doesn't know it's a damn show. He thinks it's a damn fight!"

Gone in 60 Seconds - The Shelby Mustang has great measurables and is elusive in open field!


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