Last week, while mired in a sleep-deprived stupor, I managed to mistakenly pop my contact lenses into the wrong eyes.
Then, while watching the Dodgers clinch the NL West crown at Chase Field on Thursday, I thought I had vision issues all over again.
First, while the $200+ million Dodgers were celebrating on the diamond, I'm almost certain that dollar bills were flying off their uniforms like the Made of Money Guy in the GEICO commercials. Right?
Then, my eyes must've deceived me again as, hang on, the Dodgers bum rushed the Chase Field pool like the Bushwood caddies during open swim?! Did the "Beat LA" chants really just turn into Ron Burgundy shouts of "Cannonball!"
Turns out, dollar dollar bills y'all were not flying around, but the disrespect most definitely was in the air on the Diamondbacks home field.
That said, we have two words to say ourselves and the second word is "You." OK, ready? Hey, Dodgers: "Thank You."
That's right. Without the Dodgers this season, the "D" in D-back has stood for -- Dull.
With all due apologies to the XL season turned in by #GoldschmidtHappens, if you take away the Basebrawl Battle Royale at Dodger Stadium, the D-backs front office enforcing a dress code for LA fans rocking Dodger Blue behind home plate, and now the Dodgers turning the D-backs' ballpark into a water park, what other memorable moments are we left with?
Can't remember, you say? Exactly. And that's your answer -- a lot of mundane (read: forgettable) baseball.
In 2013, the D-backs weren't good and they weren't bad. Honestly, they were a 3-wood. A safe option off the tee box. Wont' get you beat, but won't vault you atop the leaderboard, either.
Who knew that I'd miss Justin Upton. Not necessarily his brand of ball, but his ability to generate storylines. To be an intriguing and compelling character. Not to mention that J-Up somehow turned every at bat, heck, every fly ball as well, into must-see TV. And how many current D-backs can we say that about?
In hindsight, the D-backs' new mascot shouldn't be a bare-chested wrestler wearing a mask. It should be the Maytag repairman. Some guy waiting for something to happen, just like the AZ fans did all season.
And that's why we don't say "Beat LA." Instead, we're chanting "Praise LA." I mean, think about it, we're already looking forward to 2014.
With next season pitting the D-backs against the Dodgers in a season-opening series that will be played in Australia, we're figuring the marketing slogan will be: "All Fired Up Down Under."