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Cubs pitcher John Lackey eats children — wait, what?

Look, we are not going to pretend to have watched every single one of John Lackey’s starts this season, but at the same time, we find it very unlikely that this statistic shown on the screen during his recent outing against the Cincinnati Reds is accurate.

It’s the kind of thing that we think would be noticed and, likely, dealt with by the police. At least, we think.

We are not entirely sure of how many children Lackey ate Tuesday, when he allowed three runs on seven hits in 5.1 innings of a win, but no matter the number, it is probably too many.

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