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Sports Kabob – 4/15

Ladies and gentlemen (and especially ladies), welcome to the Sports Kabob, a skewered look at the world of sports and pop culture.

Here are the top stories:

At his introductory news conference at Florida International University on Wednesday, Isaiah Thomas said his salary the first year from the Golden Panthers will be donated back to the school’s athletic department.
And as an extra added bonus, Thomas said he will donate his salary for next season to help pay for his future sexual harassment suits at FIU

Thomas was fired by the New York Knicks last year and this will be his first college coaching job.
While some criticized Thomas’ general managing skills in New York, he says he will be much better at choosing players to bring in to FIU. In fact, Thomas already has plans to make recruiting trips to both Florida’s fat camps and schools for the blind

Experts say that Isaiah’s hiring will put Florida International on the map
Unfortunately, it will be a map of Suckville, USA

Hasheem Thabeet will forego his final year of eligibility at UConn and declare for the NBA Draft
Some analysts feel that although Thabeet will be a good pro player, he does have some weaknesses. Charles Barkley thinks he is too slow, Kenny Smith thinks he is too thin, and Gloria Estefan thinks he can be stopped as long as you “turn Thabeet around”

Since Greg Paulus appears serious about making the transition to college football this fall, Duke coach David Cutcliffe is willing to have the former Blue Devils point guard in for a tryout.
While this does initially sound impressive, keep in mind that Duke football is truly awful

Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis confirms he talked with his family about quitting at the end of last season
Weis said that he decided to stay after his family informed him that South Bend would soon be getting a Krispy Kreme Donut shop

A baseball fan who says he was ejected from Yankee Stadium by police after he left his seat to use the bathroom during the playing of God Bless America sued the New York Yankees and the city on Wednesday.
While it may seem odd for police to arrest a man for going to the bathroom, it should be pointed out that he was going to the bathroom to meet another gentleman for a private “seventh inning stretch”

Oscar De La Hoya stopped battling himself Tuesday, deciding after much internal turmoil to retire and end a career in which he won 10 world titles in six divisions and became boxing’s most popular fighter.
De La Hoya said that he had to retire now in order to be able to focus on training for his comeback

On Wednesday the Pittsburgh Pirates were defeated by the Astros 4-1
Fans in attendance say the game swung in Houston’s favor when several Pirates were shot in the head by a group of confused Navy Seals

That’s all for this week, leave comments and remember this is Jarrett Carlen congratulating the Obama’s on getting a new dog, but warns that a recently freed Michael Vick lives only miles away.