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Sports Kabob 6/3

Ladies and gentlemen (and especially ladies), welcome to the Sports Kabob, a skewered look at the world of sports and pop culture.

Here are the top stories:

The Phoenix Mercury have signed a revolutionary sponsorship deal. Under the three-year deal with LifeLock announced Monday, the identity theft protection company’s name will replace the “Phoenix” and “Mercury” across the road and home uniforms, respectively for the WNBA team
Insiders say that Lifelock was the not the Mercury’s first choice for a sponsor, feeling that a better sponsor for the WNBA team may have been Starkist Tuna.

Lamar Odom admitted that he loves candy and eats lots of it before playoff games
His coaches call this practice unconventional, doctors call this practice unhealthy, and Lamar Odom calls this practice suppressing the munchies.

Patrick Ewing also said that he loved candy during his career, and had candy all the time before games
Of course, in Ewing’s case Candy was the name of a stripper at the Gold Club.

Mets people insist that centerfield star Carlos Beltran and starting pitcher John Maine do not have swine flu or any of several symptoms of the virus in the wake of a swine flu scare involving another member of the Mets’ traveling party
However, the Mets did say that they will no longer be holding their Spring Training in Tijuana.

NBA analyst Jeff Van Gundy has said that he will try to be unbiased when covering the finals involving his brother Orland Magic Coach Stan van Gundy
Experts say that while the television coverage of Jeff and Stan Van Gundy should be interesting, it should not be viewed in High Definition.

President Obama on Tuesday predicted the Lakers would win the NBA Finals in 6 games
In response, Rush Limbaugh has declared that the Lakers must be terrorists.

Rain has forced postponement of NASCAR driver Tony Stewart’s charity race at a dirt track he owns in Ohio, upsetting Stewart
And, in a related story, Mother Nature was punched out.

Mine That Bird’s trainer has announced that his horse has been named a 2-1 favorite for the Belmont Stakes
And if he loses, he announced that his horse is a 2-1 favorite to be turned in Belmont Steaks.

An MRI and a visit with a specialist revealed that Josh Hamilton effectively has a sports hernia, and the Texas Rangers’ centerfielder could be out until September in a worst-case scenario
Hamilton said he first received the hernia years ago, when he unsuccessfully tried to smuggle 3 kilos of cocaine through airport security in Dallas.

Tampa Bay third baseman Evan Longoria is not expected to go on the disabled list because of a sore groin
Experts say this is the first time there was a story involving the words “Longoria” and “sore groin” since the detailed recap of Tony Parker’s honeymoon.

That’s all for this week, leave comments and remember this is Jarrett Carlen saying that once again, I was inexplicably passed over for host of the Tonight Show