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Sports Kabob – 6/17

Ladies and gentlemen (and especially ladies), welcome to the Sports Kabob, a skewered look at the world of sports and pop culture.

Here are the top stories:

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth took full responsibility for killing a pedestrian while driving drunk in Florida and began serving a 30-day jail sentence Tuesday after he pleaded guilty to DUI manslaughter
When outraged people complained about Stallworth only getting 30 days in jail for killing a man, the judge responded by saying “Come on now, it’s not like a he killed a dog.”

Sammy Sosa, the retired Major League Baseball player and former right fielder with the Chicago Cubs, tested positive “for a performance-enhancing substance” in 2003, according to a recently released report from the New York Times
Experts say that this news shocked the baseball world in the same way that the music world was shocked when Elton John came out of the closet.

Sosa recently said that he expects to get selected to the baseball Hall of Fame
Now, insiders say that the only way Sosa will make it to the hall of fame is if the his HOF ballots are counted by the same people who counted the votes in the recent Iranian election.

Wednesday June 17th marked the 15 year anniversary of OJ Simpson fleeing from police in his White Ford Bronco
Now, 15 years later, the only thing Broncos are fleeing from is Josh McDaniels.

USC’s search to replace Tim Floyd has moved beyond Pitt’s Jamie Dixon and for the time being is focused on coaches who have professional ties
USC said they are looking to hire a pro coach because they want to find someone that is used to having their players get paid.

Spain earned its record-tying 14th-straight win and a spot in the Confederations Cup semifinals by beating Iraq 1-0 on Wednesday.
The loss caused riots, violence and chaos on the streets of Iraq or, as the locals called it, a typical Wednesday.

The Angels have scratched right fielder Bobby Abreu due to a stiff neck, leaving Los Angeles without three of its top hitters in its starting lineup against the Giants
Trainers say Abreu got the stiff neck after he accidentally got a Viagra stuck in his throat.

Michael Phelps has picked up a new endorsement since his three-month suspension ended. The 14-time Olympic gold medal-winning swimmer has a multiyear deal with H2O Audio, a San Diego-based maker of waterproof headphones and accessories
Phelps said he took the endorsement deal after ruining one too many headphones via spilled bong water.

The Miami-Dade School Board is scheduled to vote Wednesday whether to name a new high school after Janet Reno or Alonzo Mourning and his wife. A committee charged with that decision has recommended approving the Alonzo and Tracy Mourning Senior High School Biscayne Bay Campus as the school’s name.
Defeating Reno in this gives Mourning a small measure of revenge after Reno defeated Mourning last year in an arm wrestling match.

Former major league outfielder Mel Hall was sentenced to 45 years in prison Wednesday after being convicted of raping a 12-year-old girl and sexually abusing or inappropriately touching three girls
While many close to Hall cannot explain why he would commit such a heinous crime, Sarah Palin supporters claim he must have gotten the idea from David Letterman.

That’s all for this week, leave comments and remember this is Jarrett Carlen wondering if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s opponent lost due to confused Iranian senior citizens accidentally voting for Pat Buchanan.