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Sports Kabob – 8/5

Ladies and gentlemen (and especially ladies), welcome to the Sports Kabob, a skewered look at the world of sports and pop culture.

Here are the top stories:

Arena League Football, which previously called off play for the 2009 season but had said it planned to return in 2010, sent a terse, one-paragraph statement to its teams late Tuesday announcing it had suspended operations.
Following the shocking death of the AFL, today a judge made the surprising ruling that custody of all the league’s players will go to Michael Jackson’s mother

The 22-year-old indoor league had lost its commissioner and two teams since the end of last season
With the league’s closure, fans who want to watch second tier athletes compete in a arena will now have to go to a Clippers game

Eli Manning has agreed to a new six-year, $97.5 million contract extension with the New York Giants that will make him among the highest-paid players in the NFL with an average salary of roughly $15.3 million
To celebrate, former teammate Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg with confetti

A phalanx of security guards and teammates had to prevent a furious Prince Fielder from entering the Los Angeles Dodgers clubhouse after a ninth-inning beaning
Teammates said they hadn’t seen Fielder this angry since McDonald’s discontinued the McRib sandwich

The Dolphins are at the forefront of an NFL clampdown on Twitter and other social media, with new restrictions imposed on players, reporters and even spectators.
Although players, reporters and fans like new technology such as twitter and facebook calling it “interesting and cutting edge”, 67-year-old team VP Bill Parcells does not, calling the new technology “confusing and scary”

Paula Abdul has announced that she will not be returning to American Idol next season
With Abdul gone, the most inept, bewildering judge of talent in America is now Pirates GM Neal Huntington

The Pirates franchise has traded many of their starters in recent years, leaving the team with unrecognizable young players
In fact, the team is such a disaster that the Government recently ruled that the franchise can be traded in to Major League Baseball as part of the Cash for Clunkers program

The Western Athletic Conference is reprimanding Hawaii coach Greg McMackin for his derogatory comment while describing Notre Dame’s chant before last year’s Hawaii Bowl.
The derogatory comment in question occurred when McMackin said that Notre Dame chanted almost as bad as Notre Dame played football

Three-time defending Sprint Cup champion Jimmie Johnson was among a group of NASCAR drivers who were to be honored by President Barack Obama at the White House Monday. But steady rain postponed Sunday’s race at Pocono Raceway in Pennsylvania and that event was rescheduled for Monday. The meeting will now take place on August 19
The rescheduling will now give President Obama extra time to figure out exactly what the hell NASCAR is

A turbulent season for the New York Mets was made worse over the weekend when the Arizona Diamondbacks took 3 of 4 from them in NY
Things have gotten so bad, Bill Clinton has been called to Flushing Meadows to negotiate the release of David Wright

That’s all for this week, leave comments and remember this is Jarrett Carlen congratulating the Roid Sox on their 2004 and 2007 World Series titles