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Carlen: Top 10 surprises in Tiger’s press conference

10 – He apologized to his wife, his fans, and the dozen or so women in America he didn’t have a chance to sleep with

9 -He admitted to that he also fathered a love child with John Edwards’ mistress

8 – In an attempt to get back in his wife’s good graces, Tiger agreed to go with her to see both Dear John and Valentines Day

7 – He spent the first 20 minutes of the press conference analyzing the latest episode of Lost

6 – The press conference was interrupted 3 times while Tiger left to go have sex with a mistress

5 – The successful press conference ended with an awkward high five between Tiger and his caddy

4 – He announced that he will be retiring from golf in order to replace Simon Cowell on American Idol

3 -He claimed that he thought Nike’s motto “Just Do It” referred to cocktail waitresses

2 – Trying to piggyback on Olympics fever, Woods said he will be changing his nickname from “Tiger” to “The Flying Tomato”

1 – He showed up to the press conference without pants!