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Heinrich: Thoughts on Vancouver
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Heinrich: Thoughts on Vancouver

As I sit here, I have probably watched more Olympic coverage than most people in the United States, including Bob Costas, who I’m pretty sure just sits there and watches old baseball games and complains about the designated hitter.

I have come to the point where I tried breaking down the subtleties of Curling to my one-year-old daughter. I think she might finally be picking it up. Here are some casual observations and thoughts from the first ten days.

– Who decided the Olympics (and any big world event for that matter) should have mascots? I understand teams in professional sports have them, mostly because they represent the team’s nickname. But why do we need four, for the Vancouver games? Four mascots, really? Quatchi, the Sasquatch. Miga, the Panda Bear. Sumi, the…I have no idea, it might be some sort of bird. And Mukmuk which is obviously an egg. Could you imagine if the Phoenix Suns decided they would add a snake, a cookie, and Miga to the roster. Then we would see a whole lot less of the Suns Dancers, and that is not good. It’s all ridiculous.

– The increase in funny pants at the Parade of Nations led to a decline in funny hats, but also a huge increase of likable hats. (Norway even carried the funny pants into the Curling Tournament)

– I can not believe the number of close Cross Country skiing finishes. In the Men’s Individual Sprint the official difference in time from gold to silver was +0.00. Um isn’t that a tie? Watch this finish.

– I think Shaun White had someone in his ear at the Opening Ceremonies telling him when they were going to show him so he could start acting like 12-year old girl at a Miley Cyrus concert.

– My name is Garret Heinrich and I’m a Curloholic. I can’t stop watching curling. I watched the USA/Britain women’s match. The USA lost 7-2 and it was never close. Drumline was on and I couldn’t even turn it to that. And for some reason I love Drumline.

– My wife doesn’t mind watching the big time Olympic events like Alpine and Figure Skating (the only things NBC wants to show prime time anyway). What she minds is that every time VISA plays that Dan Jansen spot, about his sister passing away, she almost cries. Same thing for the “To their Moms, they’ll always be kids” commercial. They played them back to back one night you would have thought the Notebook was on. (I have somehow managed to never see the Notebook. I might be the only man in a committed relationship to have pulled this off.)

– Do you think Julia Mancuso wants to punch Lindsay Vonn in the face? “I have more medals than you. I have a gold medal. You aren’t freaking Tiger Woods.” (What would happen if someone like Lindsay Vonn or say Danica Patrick were in Tiger’s shoes. How would the country react? If it came out that Danica crashed her car at 2:30 in the morning because her husband found out she slept with a bevy of other men, what would we do? Would she even be able to keep it a secret for half the time Tiger did? Guys don’t shut up when we get lucky with a mediocre looking girl from the bar. If a guy scored with Danica Patrick his Twitter, Facebook, and Myspace would all say something like “I just did 10 laps with Danica Patrick! She knows how to do more than just turn left”. There is no way this would stay a secret for more than two hours.)

– People are making a big deal that Vonn is using Men’s ski’s. They are a little wider and offer more control. She’s 5’10” and 165 pounds. Bode Miller only has four inches and thirty pounds on her. She can handle the bigger skis just fine. Don’t get mad because she beat the system and found an easy way to beat everyone else.

– I am only 5’11 and 180 pounds. I’m pretty sure Lindsey Vonn could kick my butt. I’m also sure I would be completely OK with this.

– I’m pretty sure I’ve been watching too many Olympic events in a row when I yelled at the Belarusian biathlete to shoot the two Norwegians’ he was racing against. Do you think that has ever crossed the mind of a Biathlete? They are just so tired and they don’t want to go on but they don’t want to quit so they’ve thought to them selves “what if I just shoot the guys in front of me. Not in chest or anything, just in the leg. Slow them down a bit”. I think that would be against the Olympic Oath.

– Speaking of the Oath. I love they make them do this at the Opening Ceremonies. Every time I see it I think of the Pledge of Allegiance in elementary school.

– During the pairs short program my wife said the Ukraine couple was using “Space Porn” music. That might get me to actually watch figure skating.

Russian Women’s Curling.

– I can watch it for hours but I still don’t see who thought skeleton was a good idea.

– My wife is starting to get it. Ice dancing was on the other night and this was our conversation:
Wife, “This is an Olympic SPORT?”
Me, “Yep.”
Wife, “That is stupid.”
Me, “Yep.”

– It’s Big

– Beautiful

– Laid Back

– Sophisticated

– Some people call it British Colombia, Canada. (Love this commercial. The lady from Sex in the City, Steve Nash, Ryan Reynolds, Will, Sarah McLachlan and finish it off with a super excited Michael J. Fox telling us we have to be there. How do you not want to go to Vancouver, BC this summer? You had me at Steve Nash.)

– I love U.S. Bobsleigh driver Steven Holcomb. (Second from the left. Not Stephen Colbert) He looks more like he should be playing beer league softball not putting his life in jeopardy sliding down a hill in a hollow rocket.

– Oh, hey USA is playing hockey against Canada in primetime on Sunday night. I’ll just flip to NBC, and um local news. Where is the game? I know everyone has been complaining about this, but I don’t think people realize this isn’t as bad for the Olympics as it might be for the NHL. I’ll explain tomorrow.

Send questions and comments to gheinrich@ktar.com