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Sports Kabob – 5/26

Ladies and gentlemen (and especially ladies), welcome to the Sports Kabob, a skewered look at the world of sports and pop culture.

Here are the top stories:

Minnesota Vikings’ star defensive end Jared Allen, known as much for his hairstyle as his ability to get to the opposing team’s quarterback, lost his mullet as he gets ready for his upcoming wedding.
Losing your mullet due to marriage is rough, as usually a man only loses his manhood, freedom, and will to live

NFL owners voted Tuesday to put the 2014 Super Bowl in the new $1.6 billion Meadowlands Stadium that this season will become home to the New York Jets and Giants.
Officials say New Jersey’s cold weather shouldn’t be a problem for the fans, although the state’s natural garbage smell may be annoying

The sexual abuse scandal at USA Swimming has revealed its biggest name yet — the former director of the national team. Everett Uchiyama was on a list released Tuesday by the Colorado-based governing body showing 46 people have received lifetime bans or permanently quit the organization, most for sex-related offenses.
USA Swimming decided to go ahead with the banning of the sex offenders, despite the Pope’s suggestion that they just be moved to another swim team

Orlando Magic forward Rashard Lewis may have been struggling in the Eastern Conference finals because he’s been playing with a viral infection. Lewis says he’s been sick the “whole series” against the Boston Celtics.
Also sick the entire series? The Magic owner forced to sign Lewis’ playoff checks each week

Diego Maradona has promised to run naked through the center of Buenos Aires if Argentina wins the World Cup.
And to keep with soccer tradition, Maradona promises that while he is running, his hand will not touch the ball

Chicago’s top defenseman Duncan Keith was hit by a puck off the stick San Jose’s Patrick Marleau during the second period of Sunday’s 4-2 victory over the Sharks that clinched the Western Conference title and a trip to the Stanley Cup finals. Keith returned to the game and finished with a game-high 29 minutes, two seconds of ice time. He lost four bottom teeth and three more on top.

Keith said that the bad thing about the injury was that it was very painful, but the good thing is now he finally has few enough teeth to become a fan of NASCAR

The wife of Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel is recovering from surgery to repair a heart valve.
Doctors inserted a stent into the valve, only after attempts to repair it with a cement containment dome and siphoning tube failed

Redskin Albert Haynesworth is reportedly being sued by a pregnant stripper for $10 million.
The stripper is just one of many Redskins fans who’ve been screwed by Washington’s players over the years

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been booted from a youth football camp in Pittsburgh, with coach Mike Tomlin taking over as his last-minute replacement. Tomlin has agreed to fill in for his quarterback in putting on a three-day youth football camp that will be held next month at a suburban Pittsburgh high school.
However, Roethlisberger will still be running the camp for the team cheerleaders, to be held in the high school’s bathroom

The roster for the US World Cup soccer team was announced on Wednesday
The roster for England’s World Cup soccer team has not yet been announced, but for 500,000 pounds, Sarah Ferguson claims she will give you access to the team’s head coach

That’s all for this week, leave comments and remember this is Jarrett Carlen saying that this column will end with me revealing that I’m really in purgatory!

For more of my observations on the world of sports, as well as politics, entertainment and current events, follow me on twitter @JarrettGC.