Ladies and gentlemen (and especially ladies), welcome to the Sports Kabob, a skewered look at the world of sports and pop culture.

Here are the top stories:

All 176 Mexican pro soccer matches this weekend will be played without fans do to the swine flu outbreak
Also, all 10 United States pro soccer matches this weekend will be played without fans do to it being soccer

The Orlando Magic will be without two starters in their next playoff game after the NBA announced Wednesday that Dwight Howard has been suspended for Thursday night’s Game 6 in Philadelphia. Howard received a one-game ban for an elbow he swung at the head of 76ers center Samuel Dalembert in Tuesday’s Game 5
Insiders say this is the most controversial thing to happen in Orlando since the incident in 1991 when a disgruntled Disney World employee beat up a small child while dressed as Mickey

Florida International Golden Panthers coach Isiah Thomas has signed four junior college players, the first batch of scholarships given out by the Hall of Fame player since taking the job.
Less encouraging is Thomas’ plan of bringing in Stephon Marbury to interview possible team interns

Brett Favre’s agent Bus Cook reaffirmed Wednesday that the veteran quarterback has no plans to end his retirement now that the New York Jets have released him.
Instead, Favre will take an offer to go and dance once a week at John Madden’s house while Madden throws crumpled dollar bills and turkey legs at him

Olympic champion sprinter Usain Bolt was in a car crash Wednesday in Jamaica, but police and his manager said he was not seriously injured.
Witnesses say that the car crash could have been avoided, but once Bolt pulled ahead of the traffic, he took his eyes off the road and began to showboat

I Want Revenge has been made the early 3-1 favorite for the Kentucky Derby, with Pioneer of the Nile and Dunkirk sharing second-favorite status in the full field of 20 horses.
There are several long shots in the field, however, including newcomers Future Glue and fan favorite Gimpy

Michael Curry is coming back as the Detroit Pistons’ coach.
While this may be surprising news to Piston fans, this should not be a shock to anyone who’s eaten Indian food. After you have it, curry will always come back shortly

The NHL has loaned an unknown amount of money to the Phoenix Coyotes for payroll and rent payments.
Unfortunately, as part of the deal, the Coyotes will now have to work evenings walking Van Buren in order to pay back the NHL

Ohio State set a national record with 95,722 in attendance for its spring game
And in a related story, the Census Bureau has found that the number of people in Ohio without a life is exactly 95,722

The UCONN women’s basketball team visited President Obama and the White House this week
While the meeting was enjoyable, the White House did receive some criticism when they ordered the plane carrying the team to DC to travel through New York City on the way for a photo op

That’s all for this week, leave comments and remember this is Jarrett Carlen saying that I hear the Swine Flu is just like the Bird Flu, except saltier

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