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Sports Kabob – Decade in review

Ladies and gentlemen (and especially ladies), welcome to the Sports Kabob, a skewered look at the world of sports and pop culture.

Here are this DECADE’S top stories:

2000

Tiger Woods won 3 majors, the US Open, The British Open, and the PGA Championship. Woods went on to win the Masters in ’01 to complete what was called at the time “The Tiger Slam” – holding all 4 major championships at the same time
Of course, in 2009 Woods surpassed this feat by completing a new version of the Tiger Slam – dating a cocktail waitress, an event planner, a hostess and a porn star are all the same time

For a story published in the January 2000 issue of Sports Illustrated, Braves pitcher John Rocker made a number of comments stemming from his experiences in New York City, and answered a question about whether he would ever play for the New York Yankees or the New York Mets. Rocker’s response was accused of being racist, homophobic, and sexist
Atlanta fans said they were outraged and incensed by Rocker’s prejudiced and ignorant comments saying that he does not represent the organization as a whole. The fans then put on their war paint and headdresses and started screaming Indian chants in unity

2001

Considered a phenom as he led his Bronx team to third place in the 2001 Little League World Series, Danny Almonte was revealed to have actually been too old to play Little League baseball
Officials became suspicious when they noticed that Almonte began each game by telling his teammates an off color anecdote about his time serving our country in Vietnam

Barry Bonds broke Mark McGwire’s single season home record by hitting 73 home runs
To celebrate, Bonds threw a big party with food and drinks, and even filled his baseball cap full of water and let local children swim in it

2002

There was tremendous controversy in the 2002 Winter Olympics as the Russians defeated the Canadians in pair figure skating after the French judge unfairly ranked the teams
While scandalous, the events drew the type of interest to figure skating that the sport would normally only get if someone took a billy club to someone’s knee

There was a controversial play during a playoff game between the Oakland Raiders and the New England Patriots. In the play, Raiders’ cornerback Charles Woodson sacked Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady, which in turn, seemingly caused a fumble that was eventually recovered by Raiders’ linebacker Greg Biekert. Officials reviewed the play, and determined that Brady’s arm was moving forward, thus making it an incomplete pass. The play and its result were later referred to as the “tuck rule”
Of course, since the play, the Raiders have been the victim of something far more damaging, known to their fans as the “suck rule”

2003

In the eighth inning of Game 6 of the National League Championship Series, with Chicago ahead 3-0 and holding a 3 games to 2 lead in the best of 7 series, several spectators attempted to catch a foul ball off the bat of Marlins’ second baseman Luis Castillo. One of the fans, Steve Bartman, touched the ball once it crossed into the stands, disrupting a potential catch by Cubs outfielder Moisés Alou. If Alou had caught the ball, it would have been the second out in the inning, and the Cubs would have been just four outs away from winning the National League pennant. Instead, the Cubs relinquished the lead that inning and then lost the game.
Even more shocking, it later came out that Bartman had purchased his seat from crooked Illinois politician Rod Blagojevich

The Kobe Bryant sexual assault case began in the summer of 2003 when the news media reported that the sheriff’s office in Eagle, Colorado had arrested NBA superstar Kobe Bryant in connection with an investigation of a sexual assault complaint filed by 19-year old hotel employee Katelyn Faber
Bryant said that he could not have raped Faber, because everyone knows he can’t finish to completion without the help of a big man like Shaq or Gasol

2004

At the Athens games, the US Olympic basketball team failed to win the gold medal for the first time since bringing in NBA players in 1992
US players said they were embarrassed by their performance, and that they wouldn’t be able to sleep at night, if not for their millions of dollars, adoring fans, world wide fame, beautiful mistress and unbelievable athletic ability

The Boston Red Sox won the World Series for the first time since 1918
The team celebrated with parade in Boston, a vacation in Disney World, and a snowboarding trip in Hell

2005

The NHL cancelled its season due to a lockout
The bad news for the NHL was that many players and owners lost millions of dollars, but the good news for the NHL was that they didn’t take much of a PR hit from the media since nobody noticed that the league had cancelled its season until around May

Lance Armstrong continued his amazing career, winning his 7th Tour de France in a row
When asked why he was so dominant in the race compared to other competitors, Armstrong replied that unlike other cyclists when he races he “has a ball”

2006

The parting image for France captain Zinedine Zidane will forever be him rearing back in anger, lowering his head and launching his bald crown into the chest of Italy defender Marco Materazzi after the two exchanged words while walking down the field in extra time during the World Cup
Onlookers say they were shocked, not by Zidane’s poor sportsmanship, but by the fact that someone from France actually fought back in something

Barbaro decisively won the 2006 Kentucky Derby, but shattered his leg two weeks later in the 2006 Preakness Stakes ending his racing career and eventually leading to his death
However, Barbaro will not be forgotten, as he was commemerated by Elmer’s in their new “Championship Glue”

2007

World famous British soccer player David Beckham signed a huge contract with the LA Galaxy of Major League Soccer
Or as it was reported in the US, “nothing of note happened in the world of sports today”

The National Football League fined New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick $500,000 and the team forfeited its first-round draft pick for violating league rules when a Patriots staff member was discovered videotaping signals by Jets coaches during the season opener at the Meadowlands.
Experts say this was the third most damaging video of the decade, just behind the Michael Richards racist rant and the Screech sex tape

2008

US Swimmer Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals in the Beijing Olympics
Experts say this was the best performance by someone in water in Beijing since that one female Chinese baby didn’t drown few years ago

Roger Clemens was accused of taking PED’s and appeared on the Mitchell Report, then went to Congress to defend his innocence
Of course, few believed Clemens didn’t use steroids, especially after he maniacally tore the opposing lawyer limb from limb after his first question

2009

The Arizona Cardinals made the Super Bowl for first time in team history, but lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers in a thrilling game
Cardinals fans were appreciative of the season however, especially of the fact that the Cardinals waited an additional 2 months to crush their souls and punch them in the stomach

Brett Favre retired from the NFL for the second time, only to unretire and return with the Minnesota Vikings
In fact, he has flip flopped so many times and become so good at it that he is already being groomed as a presidential candidate in 2012

That’s all for this week, leave comments and remember this is Jarrett Carlen saying that Gilbert Arenas only took out his gun because he couldn’t find his exploding underpants.

For more of my observations on the world of sports, as well as politics, entertainment and current events, follow me on twitter @JarrettGC.