Ladies and gentlemen (and especially ladies), welcome to the Sports Kabob, a skewered look at the world of sports and pop culture.

Here are the top stories:

Former sprinter Marion Jones signed with the WNBA’s Tulsa Shock on Wednesday, hoping to launch a new career after losing five Olympic medals for using steroids and doing jail time for lying to federal prosecutors.
Experts say this is the most exciting thing to happen to the WNBA since……ah who are we kidding, nothing exciting has ever happened in the WNBA

Longtime Boston Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra retired from baseball on Wednesday morning, signing a one-day contract with the Red Sox in order to retire as a member of the team.
Garciaparra would have retired Tuesday, but there was a delay when he had to adjust his batting gloves several dozen times before signing the contract

On his first day as Dodgers interim manager, hitting coach Don Mattingly confirmed Wednesday that the team has made overtures about him eventually becoming Joe Torre’s permanent replacement.
That is, if Jay Leno doesn’t want the job instead

Following his release, former Browns quarterback Derek Anderson has apologized after saying Cleveland fans are “ruthless”.
Anderson claims what he meant to say was that Cleveland fans are “toothless”

Ross Brawn was honored by Queen Elizabeth II for guiding his team to last season’s Formula One championship. The 55-year-old team principal of Mercedes GP received the OBE (Officer of the Order of the British Empire) at Buckingham Palace on Wednesday.
The ceremony went great until a crazy red haired lady ran on stage and grabbed the award from Brawn and started talking

German police say a heavily armed group has stormed a poker tournament at a Berlin luxury hotel and made off with a jackpot.
While onlookers say it made for a horrible and scary incident, they also admit that it would make for a great George Clooney and Brad Pitt movie

Mike Dunleavy says he was shocked to find out he was fired as general manager of the Clippers, despite his terrible record and performance
In all fairness, Dunleavy also said he was shocked to find out Corey Haim may have had a drug problem

Sidney Crosby’s missing Olympic stick and glove have been found. Hockey Canada said Wednesday that Crosby’s missing equipment was misplaced, rather than stolen, after the frenzy following Crosby’s overtime goal against the United States in the Vancouver Olympics’ gold-medal game on Feb. 28.
With Crosby’s gloves and stick found, the only thing still missing is Farrah Fawcett from the Oscars dead actor montage

Chris Chelios is headed back to the show. The 48-year-old defenseman, a three-time Norris Trophy winner, has been called up by the Atlanta Thrashers
And as a bonus to the older Chelios, most of his contract will be paid in Lipitor

The Western Athletic Conference has reprimanded Utah State coach Stew Morrill for directing “provocative language” toward New Mexico State guard Jahmar Young during the Aggies’ win Saturday.
Of course in Utah, “provocative language” is defined as telling someone they will go to “heck”

That’s all for this week, leave comments and remember this is Jarrett Carlen saying that the only thing longer than Ben Roethlisberger’s last name is his rap sheet

For more of my observations on the world of sports, as well as politics, entertainment and current events, follow me on twitter @JarrettGC.

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