Ladies and gentlemen (and especially ladies), welcome to the Sports Kabob, a skewered look at the world of sports and pop culture.

Here are the top stories:

Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington apologized Wednesday for using cocaine during the 2009 season and will voluntarily submit to additional testing by Major League Baseball in the future.
Members of the team first became suspicious that Washington might have a coke problem when he tried to snort the third base line during a game

Washington told the club he used cocaine and offered to resign as soon as he was randomly selected for a drug test by MLB.
Washington said he found the cocaine left in the owner’s box of the Rangers stadium in an old bag labeled “property of G.W. Bush”

Club president Nolan Ryan, general manager Jon Daniels and other officials decided not to accept the offer after they were convinced that Washington had used cocaine just once.
Plus, the team PR department saw this as an opportunity for marketing: The Texas Rangers featuring Nolan Ryan, king of the fast ball and Ron Washington, king of the 8 ball

Tiger Woods will return to professional golf at the Masters on Thursday, April 8, he said Tuesday in a written statement.
Woods says he chose the Masters for his comeback because of Augusta’s “rich history, proud tradition, and white women.”

The world’s No. 1 player Tiger Woods had taken an “indefinite” leave from the game late last year after a Thanksgiving night car crash and subsequent revelations of serial adultery.
Woods says his cheating days are over with, although some may disagree judging by his St. Patricks Day celebration today. While most people wear buttons that say “kiss me, I’m Irish”, Woods walked around local bars with a button saying “sleep with me, I’m Tiger”

The NBA’s Board of Governors on Wednesday unanimously approved Michael Jordan’s $275 million bid to buy the Charlotte Bobcats from Bob Johnson.
Jordan is happy that he will take over the team immediately, since he has a big poker game later this week and needed collateral

On the heels of an impressive workout at Florida’s pro day, league sources say that Tim Tebow is among those players who have been invited to New York for the April 22-24 NFL draft.
Unfortunately, in Tebow’s case, he was only invited to the draft to take the coats of the better players who’ll be there

Quarterback Jake Delhomme completed his visit to Cleveland last week and drove to the airport for a flight to New Orleans. He never made it. Travel delays forced Delhomme to return to Charlotte, N.C., where he chose to sign with the Browns without visiting his hometown Saints.
So much like on the football field, Delhomme’s day ended when he missed his original target

An Illinois insurance executive who secretly shot nude videos of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews was sentenced Monday to 2½ years in prison after giving a tearful apology that was harshly rebuked by his victim.
Unfortunately for Andrews, the man is already free after his bail was posted by a large group of 15 year old boys, who consider him the greatest person who ever lived

For the second year in a row, President Obama filled out a NCAA tournament bracket
However, this year every time Obama tried to pass a team to the next round it was blocked by the Republicans

That’s all for this week, leave comments and remember this is Jarrett Carlen admitting that I wrote this entire column while being tickled by Eric Massa

For more of my observations on the world of sports, as well as politics, entertainment and current events, follow me on twitter @JarrettGC.

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