Paulie Blog: Most miserable sports cities

As always, Paulie Blog is on a need-to-know basis. Meaning, we need to know the following: at the NFL combine this year, loaded with no-huddle interview sessions and, of course, the Wonderlic test, did a certain question get asked? And, yes, we are talking about that question.

Now, mentally prepare yourself, because Paulie Proverbial wants to know if anyone uttered: “…if you were a tree, what sort of tree would you be?”

Cuz, ya know what? Paulie Q&A is ready to answer that question: a grapefruit tree. Specifically, my grapefruit tree. The one that’s all tree and no grapefruit.

All tree, no fruit. Hmm. Sort of like the Phoenix sports scene, right?

That’s not us. That’s the national media types. Like those editors at Forbes magazine, who are essentially posing the question: if the Phoenix sports scene was a tree, what sort of tree would it be?

No doubt, the correct answer would obviously be: the grapefruit tree in Paulie Block Wall’s backyard. It’s healthy and looks great, yet possesses one honkin’ huge problem – it bears virtually no fruit.

See, in listing the “Most Miserable Sports Cities in America” and ranking Phoenix third overall, Forbes is saying that our sports scene might be healthy on the outside and look great to the locals (like my leafy tree). But, if edited into a time-lapse sequence, our sports seasons bear virtually no fruit (like my tree).

Heck, some twenty-five years ago, the nation was asking “Where’s the Beef?” Now, AZ sports fans are wondering “Where’s the Fruit?”

And we’re here to say that neither one can be found in our own backyard. Yours or mine. Oh sure, just like we get a rare run to the Super Bowl, a trip to the NBA Finals, or maybe a Rose Bowl game once in a generation, my grapefruit tree will occasionally produce the ever-rare pink orb… (“Oh, yeah, that’s what they look like…nice”)

But, really, is there ever anything to harvest? I mean, other than that one ultra-special year out of nowhere(circa 2001), where my tree yielded a bumper crop of grapefruit. It was so joyous at Casa Calvisi, you’d thought we’d won the World Series or something!

Alas, other than that, we’ve yet to experience much ROFI(Return on Fertilizer Investment).

But, ya know what, that ain’t so bad. We still enjoy our grapefruit tree. And it’s all ours, right? A healthy diversion that somehow merits our hopeless devotion to watching it grow and evolve, even after it undergoes the necessary pruning and cutbacks every couple years or so.

So, regardless of the rankings(or maybe because of the rankings), we know one thing for sure: when our stinkin’ tree finally has another glorious crop of grapefruit ready to pick?

Well, they’ll taste even better. Much better than anything cultivated in anyone else’s backyard on that Forbes list.