Maybe this will turn around delusional New England fans about Deflategate?
Jul 30, 2015, 8:43 AM
(AP Photo/Elise Amendola, File)
New England Patriots fans seem to be having a tough time coming to grips with the fact their golden boy cheated. The denials range from “there’s no proof” to “the punishment doesn’t fit the crime.”
Maybe if Patriot fans hear the entire Deflategate episode transposed into an entirely different topic, they will better understand just how lost they are. If you haven’t followed all of the legal proceedings and investigations, this may help you, too.
1) A guy you’re competing with at work for a promotion lets it slip to a friend that he knows your wife is cheating on you.
2) When your wife hears about the rumors, she laughs it off as “haters gonna hate.”
3) Even though you don’t want to know the truth, your friend hires a private investigator to find out if your wife is doing something behind your back for years.
Here’s everything the private detective finds out about your wife:
I. Her friend sent the de facto boss of his part-time job (who completely knows about the affair and even help set-up the affair in the first place) a text message about your wife referring to himself as “home-wrecker.”
II. Before the rumors began about your wife cheating on you, home-wrecker became frustrated with his relationship with your wife and demanded hush money. In a text to your wife’s friend’s de facto boss of his part-time job, home-wrecker threatened to report the affair to TMZ if he didn’t get the hush money. Your wife is paid in gifts of new shoes and famous autographs to keep the relationship quiet.
III. Her friend has evidence she cheated and is surrounded by people who are employed by your friend. Instead of using a bathroom in the same room where home-wrecker is surrounded (as every man in the world would do if they needed 1 minute and 40 seconds to do it), home-wrecker leaves the room to head straight for a different bathroom where he can be alone. Home-wrecker locks the door and stays in the bathroom for one minute and forty seconds with the evidence.
• As a side note, it is recommended by doctors that you sing your ABC’s while washing your hands to ensure cleanliness. This can take from 25 to 30 seconds. Since there is no way home-wrecker could have gone to the bathroom and properly washed his hands, it can only mean home-wrecker came out of the bathroom with unclean hands. Therefore, it would not only be against your wife’s work place policy to handle any of home-wrecker’s balls but also highly unsanitary.
IV. The day after your wife learned that the rumors are out, she begins calling home-wrecker’s de facto boss of his part-time job in a pattern drastically inconsistent with the previous six months.
V. For the first time, your wife invites her friend’s de facto boss of his part-time job to meet her in her office after hearing about the rumors that she is cheating on you so they can talk.
4) When the private investigator’s report goes public, your wife’s company issues a statement saying that your wife’s friend who nicknamed himself “home-wrecker” was actually referring to his long standing desire to open a home remodeling business and had nothing to do with any long-standing inference that the term “home-wrecker” meant someone who would break up an established family.
5) A month and a half after your wife heard about the rumors and knew your friend hired a private investigator, the investigator invited your wife to discuss her version of events. Before the meeting, she destroys her cell phone but doesn’t tell the private investigator. She tells your friend three months after the meeting with the private investigator that she destroyed the phone because she always destroys her old phones. Keep in mind, she didn’t tell the private investigator she destroyed her phone and there is no evidence she has ever destroyed a phone in the past.
6) After not giving up phone records when asked to after the rumor started, or after meeting with the private investigator, or after meeting with her friend, yet right before your friend is about to come talk to you about your wife’s affair, your wife offers to give a spreadsheet of numbers to your friend listing every number she called or texted after the rumor started. She will not share the contents of those communications, however. This gives her the clean conscious to tell you your friend was lying when he said she didn’t cooperate. When you tell her she could have done that six months ago and it’s too late, she runs to Facebook and posts a note to you saying she didn’t do anything wrong.
So in summation, your wife has a relationship with a self-glossed home-wrecker, then paid off home-wrecker so he wouldn’t talk about the affair publicly, called the man who set your wife up with home-wrecker six times in three days once the affair was public after not talking to that man for the previous six months, destroyed her cell phone when an investigator asked to see it saying she always destroyed old cell phones even though she didn’t destroy the last one, and as your friend walks down the hall to talk to you at work about your wife’s affair, she chases after him with a last second idea that will take you months to figure out if she’s telling the truth on this one after she’s been lying for the last six.
Patriots fans have every right to stand by their man. Reds’ fans did it for Pete Rose. Giants’ fans still love Barry Bonds. U. S. cycling fans ignored the obvious signs of their hero Lance Armstrong. Brewers’ fans thought the world was a bunch of anti-Semitic Cubs’ fans attacking their postseason stud Ryan Braun. Despite their insistence for 200 years that New Englanders are more sophisticated than the rest of us, they’re no different than any other delusional fan base.
The question is not if Patriot fans are being played by their cheating lover. The question is which fan base will be next?
CREDITS…in order of appearance
GUY YOU’RE COMPETING WITH AT WORK…the Colts
A FRIEND…Roger Goodell
YOUR WIFE…Tom Brady
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR…Ted Wells
YOUR WIFE’S FRIEND (“HOME-WRECKER”)…James McNally
DE FACTO BOSS OF YOUR WIFE’S FRIEND IN HIS PART-TIME JOB…John Jastremski
PEOPLE SURROUNDING “HOME-WRECKER”…Walt Anderson and his fellow referees for the AFC Championship Game