Review: The Arizona Diamondbacks’ ‘D-bat Dog’ and its copious amount of fries

PHOENIX — So, the boss tasked me with trying the D-bat Dog.

You remember, the monstrosity the Arizona Diamondbacks are offering at Chase Field this season, costing $25 and consisting of 18-inches of corn dog stuffed with bacon, cheddar and jalapenos. Oh, and fries. Lots and lots of fries.

Anyway, videographer Carter Nacke and I arrived at the ballpark and began our quest for the dog around 5:50, and about 25 minutes later we found a vender downstairs who was serving it.

Naturally the line was long, and even more naturally we picked the slowest of the lines. Because of course.

Anyway, the things were moving very slowly. You had to figure there would be a large number of people at the ballpark Monday and that there would be a pretty high demand for one of the new high-profile products. Maybe the D-backs didn’t?

But I digress.

Twenty-five minutes into our wait a nice lady was talking to us about the D-bat Dog, saying how she was there to order it for her husband and son.

Wait, you mean it is supposed to be shared? What am I doing?

It’s at this point where I start to notice other people walking away with their own D-bat Dogs and begin to realize what I’ve gotten myself into, and it’s nothing good.

At around 7:12 p.m., more than a half-hour since first pitch, we finally get to the front of the line, only to be informed that there would be at least a half-hour wait for the D-bat Dog.

Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen.

So, we ventured upstairs to try and find shorter line with less of a wait. After walking around back and forth and then forth and back, we finally found a place that did.

At 7:23, the order was placed. One D-bat Dog and a really big bottle of water.

About 10 minutes later, they called “Adam” and handed me a giant tray with a giant corn dog with a ridiculous helping of fries. Oh jeez. Here I go.

7:36

It’s time to dig into this beast. First couple bites don’t seem to have much in the way of bacon, cheese or jalapeno, but it still tastes pretty good. Next few bites have all those things and we’re off and rolling.

You know what? It doesn’t taste too bad. The corn aspect is more thin than thick and more crispy than fluffy, but given the sheer girth of the dog that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s not particularly spicy and there does not seem to be an overwhelming note of cheese, but the bacon is present and often times that’s all you really need for a meal to taste good.

7:38

I’m tearing through this thing. Like, seriously, thus far the dog is no match for my hunger. Heh, that just reminded me of Temple of the Dog and “Hunger strike.” Well, there will be no hunger strike here. There’s still food left.

7:42

Some people walk by the table and ask if we’re filming me eating. I say yes, but I’m not as vain as they think and I’m actually doing this for work. I don’t think they believe me.

7:48

Aaaaand the dog is no more. I kind of thought I would need more time than that, but I guess I can still eat with the best of them. As my parents could (proudly, I’m sure) verify, back in the day I used to be the food champion.

Now it’s time for the fries. There are A LOT of fries.

7:55

Moving through these pretty good, though I can sense a wall is coming. I’ve watched enough “Man vs. Food” to know what’s in store for myself.

7:58

Yep, there it is. In fact, I’m beginning to regret the decision to volunteer for this challenge. Wait, wasn’t this supposed to be a simple food review? When did it become a challenge?

8:01

It’s about this point where I’m really starting to feel it. Not sick, mind you, but full. Very full. This is also about the time I realize this a gratuitous amount of food. OK, now I feel sick.

Why are there so many fries? If the human body is made up of 60 percent water, mine has to at least be 30 percent french fry at this point.

8:06

I’m down to just one small bite left, and I realize I’m that close to either immortality or perhaps facing my own mortality. Or maybe both.

8:07

As a child would say, “all gone!” The D-bat Dog, along with the copious amount of fries, is finished. It took me roughly half an hour to down the entire meal that, let’s be honest, is not meant for just one person.

I feel both pride and shame.

Oh look, there’s a baseball game happening. We’re in the fifth inning, by the way. First baseball I’ve been able to watch all night. At least the D-backs are winning.

Final thoughts

Given the number of people who were in line for or walking away with one, it is clear there is interest in the D-bat Dog.

However, it did appear the D-backs were not ready for the demand — for the D-bat Dog or any other item on the menu. The lines were long and slow, some to the point where people walked away altogether (myself included). No doubt as the season goes on there will be fewer fans at times and less demand, but still, they could have been more ready for this day. That said, the Diamondbacks are known for their top-notch customer service and I’d expect this issue to be rectified very soon.

As for the D-bat Dog itself, it was not a bad meal, especially if it’s your only one for the week. If you are planning on being a normal human being and sharing it, the thought here is you’ll enjoy the product about as much as a corn dog can be enjoyed. I’d eat it again.

Beware of the fries, though.

Follow @theAdamGreen