We’re just a day away from the inaugural Pac-12
Championship Game.

Excited?

Unless you’re a fan of the Oregon Ducks, I can guarantee
you’re not too psyched about this game, and that includes
you, Larry Scott. Why would you be? What’s supposed to
be a showcase for the newly reformed Pac-12 will play out
more like a three-hour advertisement for revamping the
conference again.

UCLA, with their fired coach, their 6-6 record and fresh
of a 50-point loss to rival USC, will represent the South
Division in “the battle” for the Rose Bowl.

The Ducks are a 32-point favorite in the game. Can’t wait
to pop some corn, put the feet up and watch this one. And
I would hope that you picked up on my sarcasm, because I’m
laying it on pretty thick.

But hey, Commissioner Scott is a think-outside-the-box
kind of guy, and so am I. Here are some ideas to improve
the first-ever Pac-12 Championship Game.

10. Have it contested by two teams who have winning
records (I know, this is way too much to ask).

9. Have Gus Johnson call all ten of Oregon’s
touchdowns in
English and Spanish. And have Randall, the guy who
narrated the viral Honey Badger video, on color
commentator. Just imagine how great this would be…

Johnson: Prince back to pass, pressured…INTERCEPTED!
Eddie Pleasant is taking it to the house!

[A quick clear of the throat]

Johnson: Prince volver a pasar,
presionado…INTERCEPTADO! Eddie Pleasant es llevarlo a la
casa!

Randall: Look at him run in slow motion! He’s so nasty.
He’s like ‘thanks for the ball, stupid!’

8. Play the audio track of the game, but keep
cameras on
members of Oregon’s cheer
squad.

7. Winner to the Rose Bowl. Loser dies.

6. In the event that UCLA scores a touchdown, they
are
awarded 25 points.

5. Replace UCLA with an All-Star team comprised of
players from all the eligible South Division teams. Sorry
USC, you’re ineligible here too, you dirty cheaters.
Wouldn’t it be fun to watch Nick Foles throw to receivers
like Juron Criner and Gerell Robinson, and Vontaze Burfict
to quit on a whole new set of teammates?

4. Since it’s on Fox, have Simon Cowell provide
critiques of UCLA’s offensive play calling, while Paula
Abdul sits off to the side crying and mumbling that the
Bruins’ third down and 17 naked bootleg call that gains
six yards “moved her”.

3. In the 2nd half, UCLA is led by Eric Taylor, who coached
the Dillon Panthers and
East Dillon Lions to victories on the final play of the
game in nearly every episode of Friday Night Lights. This
will keep the audience tuned in longer.

2. In another effort to even things out, Oregon’s
skill players must play barefoot.

1. Cancel it.

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