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Updated Apr 15, 2013 - 11:56 am

Tiger Woods Feels Good? Too Bad

Tiger Woods tips his cap after putting out on the 18th hole during the fourth round of the Masters golf tournament Sunday, April 14, 2013, in Augusta, Ga. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

I'd feel a lot better about Tiger Woods if he didn't feel so good about himself.

In fact, the creative department at Calvisi Consulting envisions Eldrick starring in a sort of post-Super Bowl Disneyland commercial. Except, this would be the antonym version. The exact opposite of the ad that annually features the Super Bowl MVP.

[Announcer]: "Tiger Woods - you just lost the Masters! Again. You're NOT going to Butler's Cabin. What do you have to say about your game?"

Then Tiger would simply repeat verbatim what he told the media after a ninth straight year without another green jacket.

"I certainly had a chance. If I would've posted a number today, I was right there," Tiger said. "I was four back starting out the day. I thought I really played well this week. Made my share of putts this week as well."

Once upon a time, Tiger Woods would lose a tourney and proceed to lose his cool. He was demanding, especially in majors, of himself. He would curse and gripe and grouse, sending TV networks scrambling for the bleep button.

Not anymore. Not even close. Alas, he now gives himself a pep talk worthy of tee ball, where everyone gets the same trophy.

"You lose more tournaments than we win out here on tour," Tiger reasoned. "So, it's just part of the process. I'll get back to it."

No, you won't. Not gonna happen. The losing will continue until you lose the diplomatic demeanor, especially under the intense pressure of a major. When you get back to being the erstwhile Tiger and find that previous mentality (read: ruthless assassin), you'll get back to winning.

With all due apologies to Billy Payne, we're going to mix Augusta National Golf Club with a line from Talladega Nights: "If you ain't first, you're last." That's the motto that Tigers need to adopt - again.

Since Tiger hired and fired virtually every notable swing instructor in the game, I think it's now our turn. Paulie 3-Putt says if Eldrick wants to swing like the Tiger 1.0 version, then he needs to sound like it.

Otherwise, we're getting ready to blame this majors drought (five years and counting) on Tiger's caddy, or lack thereof.

How else do you explain the following Holy Cannoli Stat: Steve Williams was on the bag for 13 of Tiger Woods' 14 major titles.

Hmmm. Any chance that Williams might actually demand more of his players (Adam Scott) than Tiger currently demands of himself?

"I played well,'' Tiger said. ``Unfortunately, I just didn't make enough putts."

Sigh.

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