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All Aboard D-backs Dipper!
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All Aboard D-backs Dipper!

Why exactly did I feel compelled to leave the A-Z for a July 4th vacation that included the “Giant Dipper” rollercoaster? Heck, I could’ve stayed home and caught a wild ride just following the D-backs.

I mean, with all due apologies to Kings Island amusement park in Ohio, where the “Diamondback” is known as the “first hyper coaster to feature a splashdown,” the best thrill ride this summer happens to be the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Let’s compare and contrast. Constructed in 2009 at a cost of $22 million, the “Diamondback” coaster runs 1.6 miles with a height of 230 feet. Duration of the ride is approximately three minutes. Big whoop.

Built this off-season at a current payroll cost of $86 million, the Diamondback baseball club (remember how we dubbed ‘em the G-Backs for a gritty, grinding, Gibby-ball brand of baseball?), will keep you entertained for at least six months.

That is, if you can handle the ups and downs, twists and turns, highs and lows, super speeds and sudden stops. Buckle up.

Most recently, fans were whipped along a steel track that saw a five-game losing streak immediately corkscrew into the current five-game winning streak.

Of course, last month included a bumpy stretch where the D-backs lost four in a row. Then won four in a row. Then promptly lost three straight. Whiplash anyone?

Along the way, the D-backs starting rotation went 24 games without recording a win. #HolyCannoliStat.

Hang on though. Because, naturally, D-backs starting pitchers now followed that dip by notching wins in four of their last five games, including eight-inning masterpieces by Tyler Skaggs, Wade Miley and Patrick Corbin in an absolute jackstomping of the visiting Colorado Rockies.

“They totally played better than us,” Carlos Gonzalez stated to the media after suffering a series sweep. “They dominated pitching and they put a lot of runs on the board, too.”

As always, please keep all arms and legs inside the roller coaster at all times. See, during the five-game winning streak, the AZ offense has scored 32 runs while hitting .313 as a team. At the same time, opponents are hitting just .186 and have scored all of nine runs in the past five wins.

However, in the prior five-game losing streak, the numbers were almost the complete opposite with the D-backs scoring just 12 runs while hitting just .222 as a team. Meanwhile, opponents raked AZ pitching for 34 runs and batted .330 collectively.

Whew. I’m feeling a little queasy. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to scarf down the cotton candy and corn dogs before boarding the Diamondback Dipper Big Beast Fury Flyer Colossus Comet running downtown this season.