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The ever-quotable Bruce Arians
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The ever-quotable Bruce Arians

The Arizona Cardinals have one of the most quotable coaches in the NFL with Bruce Arians.

Vary rarely does a press conference go by without him cracking a joke, which helps to make him one of the more entertaining bosses in the league.

Here are some of his best quips from the 2014 season:


Jan. 4 – On when it goes from disappointment over yesterday to excitement about the future

“On the way home. You get pissed off for about a half hour and you dream about next year for a half hour, two hours.”

Jan. 4 – On if he feels they need to add a veteran QB considering the injuries they had this year

“No, they cost too much. We got about 15, 18 million in that room. I don’t think we can put another one in there. You’d like to bring a young one. You don’t ever anticipate playing with your third. We’ve got a great two. We’ve got a really good one and we’ve got a nice project at three.”

Jan. 4 – On Tyrann Mathieu needing the offseason to get healthy again

“Yeah, he’s got to get his left side rebuilt.”

Jan. 4 – On the speculation about Larry Fitzgerald’s situation and where he fits into the Cardinals’ plans for the future

“He’s right where he’s always been. I don’t control money and caps and all that crap. I just coach the heck out of him and he’s a great kid. I look forward to having him next year.”

Jan. 1 – On being underdogs again against the Carolina Panthers

“Ahh, we’ve been underdogs for what, eight or nine weeks? I can’t remember the last time we were favored.”

Dec. 30 – On how the return of LB Larry Foote will help the defense

“You’ve got a 12-year veteran, a 13-year veteran, whatever the hell he is; an old guy that has a resume so when he gets in somebody’s face, they listen. A young guy with no resume, they just tell him to ‘Shut up,’ or he won’t even say anything. That part of it is huge for us, to have his leadership out there.”

Dec. 29 – On how he feels on ‘Black Monday’

“I’ve been a part of that way too many times. You feel bad for them, but there’s only two kinds of coaches – those that are fired and those who are going to get fired. You get fired for winning sometimes; you get fired for losing. I feel bad for them, but thank God it ain’t me this time. It will be someday.”

On how you get fired for winning

“Oh, I have been.”

Dec. 17 – On how much he is part of the process of building a good team

“Minor. Just give me a damn guy I can coach and get ready to play. I trust that you’re going to give me a good one. That part of it, if I have a background with a guy, I might bring a guy up, but I trust Steve (Keim) totally.”

Dec. 15 – On what he told Ryan Lindley when informing him he’d start

“Go sling it, baby. Go have fun. You’re here for a reason. You’re only on this team because you’re talented enough to be here. You have everything it takes to win the game. He knows what we want.”

Dec. 15 – On nobody outside AZ’s locker room believing team can win with Ryan Lindley

“There doesn’t need to be. The only ones that need to believe is that locker room, and they believe it. They saw it on the practice field today, and they’ll see it all week. Like I said, it’s easy to be written off. We’ve been written off all year. Write another check. It’s easy. You never have to check your bank account, just keep writing checks. We like where we’re at, and we like the guys who are playing for us, and he’s one of them.”

Dec. 15 – Opening statement

“Obviously, the protocol is we don’t have to do an injury report on Monday, so I just piss everybody off.”

Dec. 12 – On if they took last night’s game more personally

“Everybody but me.”

Dec. 12 – On Kurt Warner not being a QB the team will sign

“No, I talked to Kurt last night and Brenda (Warner) is not going to let him play.”

Dec. 12 – On how hardly anyone will expect Arizona to beat Seattle

“Yeah, I’m sure we’ll be underdogs. We love that. I’m sure they’re going to have a ton of fans in our stadium. We like that, too.”

Dec. 12 – On being defiant following the win over St. Louis

“Me?”

Dec. 11 – Was your defense fired up by all those press clippings and all the accolades the St. Louis defense had been getting recently?

“Oh, I don’t think there’s any doubt. These guys have got a lot of pride and they act like they were 12-1 or 12-2 the way they were crowing all week and so I think our guys were more than ready.”

Dec. 11 – How concerned were you by this whole Thursday night dynamic, going on the road? Because records say that teams are way under .500 this season, road teams on Thursday night.

“I was more worried about the Cardinals not winning since 1945, or whatever the hell that was, and so we’re about putting all those things to bed and put to rest. This team is kind of special. It’s a very unique football team and it’s got a lot of spirit.”

Dec. 11 – Following Arizona’s 12-6 win over the St. Louis Rams

“I mean, this is an 11-3 team, that’s an 8-8 team at best.”

Dec. 8 – On getting a longer break after the Thursday game

“Yeah, it’s a bad week until Friday. Then it’s a nice week and you’re glad you played Thursday night.”

Dec. 8 – On if one of his greatest strengths is having his team be able to handle adversity

“I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve been here long enough to have a strength.”

Dec. 8 – How he handles a young kicker coming off a game in which he struggled

“Pat him on the back, tell him to kick them between the poles and don’t hit the pole. He ain’t going anywhere, just make your kicks.”

Dec. 8 – His take on the wear and tear that Thursday Night games create on players’ bodies

“They’ve got statistics that go both ways. I’m on record about Thursday Night Football. It’s here to stay. Hopefully we don’t have Wednesday night football.”

Dec. 7 – Following the 17-14 win over the Kansas City Chiefs, a game in which Kerwynn Williams ran for 100 yards

“Just in case you don’t know who Kerwynn Williams is, he’s number 33.”

Dec. 3 – On belief being a big thing for this team and how their sense of belief is in the locker room

“I don’t think there’s any doubt because it’s easy to put your finger on why. Turnovers, third down, four or five plays at Seattle. If you make the field goal, catch the ball, 10 points was huge at halftime — huge in that game. It always would be up there. Last week was one of those ones some coaches say, ‘Hey, burn the film.’ I don’t. You watch it…twice.”

Dec. 1 – On if he has a good read on this team and how they’re going to play

“If you get me that one, baby, we can make a lot of money. Thirty-seven years and Ian’t never figured that one out.”

Nov. 26 – On if he’s cooking anything for Thanksgiving

“No, nobody would eat anything I cook. I’m going to eat the hell out of it, though.”

Nov. 19 – On Drew Stanton making a nice tackle after throwing an interception against the Lions and what’s going through his mind as a coach at that time

“Get him down and don’t get hurt. Get him down first, and then please don’t get hurt. Always tackle with your left shoulder.”

Nov. 12 – On Jim Caldwell saying he doesn’t look at this game as to how it impacts standings and if he looks at this game and thinks about the standings in the NFC

“Hell yeah. It’s for the No. 1 seed in the NFC this week. Just this week now; not the rest. It’s big. I feel a hell of a lot better with those four wins against the NFC East right now if we get there. That’s a long way off. But hell yeah it does.”

Nov. 5 – On sharing a stadium with the Eagles when he was the head coach at Temple and if there was much interaction between him and the Eagles staff:

“Oh, yeah. Every time we had recruits in those guys would love to come eat, (Ron) Jaworski especially. Jaworski, Mike Quick, all those guys. We used to see them around a lot and they helped us recruit as long as I fed them. It was a good relationship sharing the stadium with those guys. It was great for the players to see them, and our coaches too.”

Nov. 3 – On if he had a Plan B when he started coaching:

“No. I was trying to get a junior high teaching job and a coaching job in 1974 and we got a new football coach at Virginia Tech and he talked me into playing one more season. I would’ve still been a junior high teacher-coach if I could’ve got a damn job. I couldn’t get one. He talked me into coming back and got me into coaching.”

(What would you have taught in junior high?)

“I would’ve been a P.E. teacher and tried to do some high school Drivers Ed stuff. Most of my friends from college are just retiring now. They’ve got their 30 years in high school coaching. To me, when I grew up, I thought high school coaches were rich.”

Nov. 3 – On having a lot more assistant coaches than the previous coaching staff and if that was a priority when he came here:

“It was a very easy sell—smaller classrooms and more teachers, more eyes. We have three offensive line coaches, two defensive line coaches. Guys who have big position groups need more teachers. I wish our school systems would take that approach. But Michael’s (Bidwill) been great about it. Rather than having one guy say make this much money, give me three and let them make this much money. I’m not going to spend any more money, just give me more guys, and we don’t care who’s sitting on whose desk in the office space.”

Oct. 31 – Did you ever think you’d get to the point where people would dress up as you for Halloween?

“No, no. I find that very shocking that someone would even want to try to do that, except it’s an easy costume.

(Is it more of an attitude?)

“Yeah, you’ve got to have the attitude and a cocktail.”

Oct. 27 – On if he feels good about Patrick Peterson following his injury

“Yeah, he was the first one when we came into the door in the locker room. I’m too old to have guys jump up on top of me, but he was excited.”

oct. 27 – On his success as a head coach and if it’s vindicating for him

“No, not really. It’s fun, though. Lose four in a row and I’ll be the same old asshole I always was. But, no, it’s fun. It really is.”

Oct. 22 – Looking back at his time in Philly coaching Temple

“Oh God, I love Philadelphia. I was 30, thought I knew everything. About five years later I get out of the hospital and said, ‘I didn’t know s***.’ But it was a great time — gained about 30 pounds eating pretzels and drinking beer. But it was a great six years. I’m still very, very close to all those kids. About eight of them, guys who have played for me, have been out to games this year here.”

Oct. 20 – How do you explain your team being 31st in the NFL with the secondary you have?

“They can’t run. They’re going to throw.”

Oct. 17 – What if your bus is egged by Raiders fans in Oakland?

“Hopefully we’ve got windows on that son of a bitch, know what I mean?”

Oct. 13 – After a win over the Washington Redskins

“I think that was one of those games — I learned a long time ago from Coach (Bear) Bryant, there’s nothing you can’t learn from almost losing that you learn from losing. So there are a lot of things we can learn from this ball game.”

Oct. 10 – On his uncertain QB situation

“According to Adam Schefter, Logan Thomas will start. You all take it from there.”

October 6 – Was there anything more Todd Bowles could have done to help stop Peyton Manning?

“Unless he could go out there and cover them, that’s about it.”

Oct. 6 – Compare the injury situation this year to what you dealt with injury-wise. Is this the same, worse?

“Oh it’s not that bad year. I mean, I know everybody’s name.”

Oct. 5 – On the chop block that injured Calais Campbell

That was the dirtiest play I’ve seen in 37 years of football. It was a nasty chop block. That’s all I can say about it.”

Oct. 3 – Happy birthday, coach. A young 62?

“Sexier. A little fatter and sassier, too.”

Oct. 1 – Have to guard against overconfidence at 3-0?

“It’s a short elevator ride back to the s—house … all of a sudden, I’m the greatest damned coach in the world. I’ve been a sorry son of a bitch for 17, 18 years now. I mean, I ain’t changed just because we won a couple games.”

Oct. 1 – Good to have Tom Moore on the staff?

“Oh yeah, yeah. You need somebody to b**** to. You can’t take a young guy in there and b**** to him, he’ll go home and tell his wife.”

Sept. 29 – Does your gut tell you right now that Palmer will be able to play Sunday?

“I quit trusting my gut a long time ago. That son of a bitch has been lying to me forever.”

Sept. 29 – Why did you call him (Manning) the ‘piranha’?

“You can’t give him enough information. I mean, he eats it up. If you had an hour-and-a-half meeting scheduled with him, you better have two-and-half hours worth of material ready because he was going to eat through it so fast and be able to give it right back to you. The other poor quarterbacks, they’re still writing the first two or three sentences down. And he still has every one of those notebooks in a closet somewhere.”

Sept. 9 – Were you surprised how well Carson Palmer was moving around and out of the pocket?

“Yeah, he was very frisky. He looked younger. It might have been that outfit he had on in pregame warmups. I don’t know if anybody saw it, but he lost a quarterback bet so it was an ugly outfit. It was shirt torn and bandana and short shorts — it was hilarious.”

Sept. 9 – Do fans here need to learn to quiet down when the Cardinals have the ball?

“Yeah, and keep their tickets.”

Sept. 9 – Would you like to get Jonathan Cooper more snaps?

“When he earns them. Not to just put somebody in the game. That ain’t no time to be getting someone experience, that’s called preseason.”

Aug. 21 – Did you know all you needed to know about Carson Palmer before deciding to trade for him?

“I knew he was tough as hell. We tried to knock him out; you could never knock him out. We know he had the freak injury in the playoff game. If he had not gotten hurt I don’t know if we would have won the game. And he always had that tremendous deep ball. So yeah, I kind of didn’t know what kind of gym rat he was but I knew he was tougher than hell and a really good thrower of the football. So now that we’ve got the gym rat, I really like it.”

Aug. 18 – How would you assess Ryan Lindley’s play?

“Up and down. He was solid there in the first drive. Missed some throws that he should make, especially down on the goal line in that last drive before (the) fumblerooski. I mean we should’ve scored on two of those plays.”

Aug. 13 – Did you hear that from anybody this year about John Brown, that they were about to draft him before you did?

“Yeah, about three or four. They’re all lying.”

Aug. 6 – What he hopes to see out of his players in first preseason game against the Houston Texans

“Can you play smart, fast and physical? If you can do those three things, I’ll like you a lot.”

July 28 – Reiterates his position that he will not tolerate fighting

“Because the first thing you do is break your hand. Might as well punch the wall. If you want to break your hand, break your hand. Now if you want to fight, I’ll put boxing gloves on and you can fight your ass off. That’s what Coach (Bear) Bryant used to do. If a guy got in a fight, he had 18-pound gloves — they were not allowed to stop swinging.”

July 27 – On the first practice for rookie quarterback Logan Thomas

“Logan had probably one of his better days. He still has to learn when to throw the ball extremely hard and when to just throw it accurately; a strong-armed young quarterback has that problem. He gets all jacked up and wants to show it off. Thank God Troy (Niklas) had a helmet on. It’s bad enough he’s got a cast on his hand, but to fire one at him (that hit him in the head). He’s got bruises all over his chest from the others that (Thomas) was hitting him with.”